Praise Effort, Not Talent: Build Growth Mindset in Kids

Your child comes home with a maths test — 14 out of 20. You want to say the right thing. You might instinctively say "You're so smart, you'll do better next time" or "That's okay, you tried your best." Both feel kind. But one of those responses might quietly be making things harder for your child, not easier.

Research on growth mindset has shown real benefits for families. And the good news is, once you understand what to say (and what to avoid), these are simple shifts you can start making today — at the dinner table, in the car, during homework time.

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The Short Answer: What "Praising Effort" Actually Means

Praising effort means acknowledging how your child worked — their strategies, their persistence, their willingness to try something hard — rather than commenting on their natural ability or the final result.

Instead of "You're so clever," you'd say "I noticed you kept going back to check your working — that really paid off." Instead of "You're a natural at this," you'd say "You spent a lot of time on this. That effort is why it's improved."

It's a subtle shift in language, but the research shows it shapes children's entire relationship with learning.

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Why the Wrong Kind of Praise Can Backfire

This might be the most counterintuitive parenting insight of the last 30 years: praising your child's intelligence can actually reduce their motivation.

In 1998, psychologists Carol Dweck and Claudia Mueller at Columbia University ran a landmark study with children aged 9 to 12. Children completed problem-solving tasks and were then told they'd done well. Half were told, "Wow, you must be really smart at this." The other half were told, "Wow, you must have worked really hard."

What happened next was striking. When given the choice of a harder challenge or an easier one: - Children praised for effort consistently chose the harder task — they wanted to learn - Children praised for intelligence mostly chose the easier task — they wanted to look smart

That's not a small finding. When the going got tough, nearly nine in ten "you're so smart" kids wanted to retreat. They'd been taught, without realising it, that intelligence is something you either have or you don't — and a hard task might prove they don't have it.

The effort-praised children responded to setbacks differently. They were more likely to persist, more likely to try new strategies, and they actually performed better on subsequent tasks. Their identity wasn't tied to being smart — it was tied to working hard, which is something they could always control.

In our tutoring sessions at RHZ Tutoring, we see this play out constantly. Students who've been told they're "good at maths" often shut down the moment a problem looks unfamiliar. They'd rather not try than risk looking like they're not as clever as everyone thinks. Students who've been encouraged for their effort, on the other hand, tend to lean in.

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The Fixed vs. Growth Mindset Difference (And What It Looks Like at Home)

Carol Dweck's research introduced the terms "fixed mindset" and "growth mindset" — and they describe two fundamentally different beliefs a child holds about their own abilities.

A child with a fixed mindset believes intelligence and talent are set in stone. You're either a maths person or you're not. You're a natural writer or you struggle. When they hit a wall, they interpret it as proof of a permanent limitation.

A child with a growth mindset believes abilities can be developed through practice, good strategies, and persistence. Struggle isn't a sign of being bad at something — it's a sign that you're learning.

The table below shows how this plays out in real moments:

Situation	Fixed mindset response	Growth mindset response
Gets a hard question wrong	"I'm just not good at this"	"I haven't figured this out yet"
Sees a classmate do better	Feels threatened, pulls back	Feels curious, asks how they did it
Faces a new challenge	Avoids it to protect self-image	Sees it as a chance to grow
Gets negative feedback	Takes it personally, gives up	Uses it to adjust their approach

The word "yet" is one of the simplest tools you have. Clinical Psychologist Dr. Hazel Harrison recommends adding "yet" whenever your child says "I can't do this." "You can't do it yet" reframes a dead end as a moment in progress. It's a small word with a big shift underneath it.

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What to Actually Say: Growth Mindset Praise in Practice

The goal isn't to never compliment your child — it's to make your praise specific, honest, and focused on what they did rather than what they are.

Here are some real swaps you can make:

Instead of: "You're so smart." Try: "You worked through that really carefully — I noticed you didn't give up when it got hard."

Instead of: "You're a natural writer." Try: "The way you structured that story shows you've been thinking a lot about how to organise your ideas."

Instead of: "That's disappointing — you can do better." Try: "That didn't go the way we hoped. What do you think you'd do differently next time?"

Instead of: "Well done on getting 100%!" Try: "The test went well — and I think all those practice sessions made a real difference."

This last one is worth noting: it's fine to celebrate a good result. You just want to connect the result to the effort that produced it, so your child learns the right lesson — that hard work is worth it.

For families preparing for NAPLAN or other assessments, this framing is especially important. Working through NAPLAN practice tests is genuinely useful preparation — but only if your child approaches them as a learning tool, not as a way to prove they're smart. Praising the effort they put into reviewing their mistakes is far more valuable than praising their score.

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How to Praise Failure — Yes, Really

One of the most powerful (and unusual) ideas in growth mindset research is that you can praise your child for failing — if they genuinely tried.

The logic is simple: failing at something difficult means you attempted something difficult. That takes courage. Celebrating the attempt — even when it doesn't work — teaches children that the willingness to try hard things is something to be proud of.

Brian P. Daly, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, recommends focusing praise on what children learned and how they tried, not just on whether things worked out. Questions like "What did you try?" and "What would you do differently?" move the conversation away from the outcome and toward the process.

This doesn't mean pretending failure is fine, or that results don't matter. It means helping your child see effort and learning as the main event, with outcomes as a by-product of that work.

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You're Teaching a Mindset, Not Just Saying the Right Words

Here's something parents don't always hear: your child is watching how you handle setbacks just as closely as they're listening to what you say to them.

If you mutter "I'm just not good with technology" every time something goes wrong on your phone, your child absorbs that. If you say "I had a really frustrating moment at work today — I'm going to think about how I approach it differently tomorrow," that teaches something completely different.

You don't need to pretend you're perfect. In fact, showing your child that adults struggle, try again, and improve is one of the most powerful growth mindset lessons there is. Talking out loud about your own learning process — even small things — gives them a real-life model.

This is especially relevant as children move through primary and secondary school. A student sitting their selective test practice papers or preparing for VCE isn't just building knowledge — they're building a relationship with difficulty itself. Whether that relationship is productive or anxious often comes back to what they've seen modelled at home.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is it bad to praise my child's results at all?

No — celebrating a good result is completely fine, and you don't need to ignore it. The key is to also acknowledge the effort that made it possible. Saying "You did really well — all that practice paid off" connects the outcome to the work, which teaches your child the right lesson.

What if my child genuinely is talented at something — should I not mention it?

You can absolutely acknowledge natural ability. The issue arises when that becomes the main message. If your child only hears "you're talented," they may fear that trying hard means they're not talented enough. Combine it with recognition of their effort and you get the best of both.

At what age should I start using growth mindset language with my child?

You can start as early as preschool, in very simple terms. "You kept trying even when it was hard — that's what helps us get better" works for a four-year-old. The language becomes more nuanced as children grow, but the core message — that effort leads to growth — is relevant at every age.

My child is anxious about school and avoids anything they might fail. What should I do?

This is really common, and growth mindset isn't a quick fix on its own — but it helps. Start by reducing the pressure around outcomes at home and focusing conversations on the process. Ask "What did you work on today?" rather than "Did you get it right?" Over time, this reframes school as a place for learning rather than a place for proving yourself. If anxiety is significant, a conversation with a school counsellor or psychologist is worth pursuing alongside any academic support.

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If there's one thing to take from this, it's that the way you talk to your child about effort — in ordinary moments, not just after big results — quietly builds the foundations of their confidence and resilience for years ahead. Small, specific, honest praise for the work they put in goes further than any amount of "you're so brilliant."

If you'd like support helping your child build good study habits alongside these mindset shifts, we'd love to help. Families in Melbourne's western suburbs are welcome to book a free academic assessment at /pages/contact — it's a great first step.

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Sources

• Developing a growth mindset in your child — BBC Bitesize
• Five ways to help your child move towards a growth mindset — BBC Bitesize
• Research every teacher should know: growth mindset — The Guardian
• Praising Failure – The Growth Mindset for Kids — Center City Pediatrics